After I Die

I used to think how amazing it would be if I was remembered after I die. 

"Who would appear at my funeral?"
"Will the people who knew me laugh or frown when they think of me?"

I started making sure things I did made people happy. I put others' happiness before mine.
My expectations led to disappointments, of course.
I was maneuvering through the darkness without a promise of salvation at the end.
I took too many chances, without keeping my heart close to me.

And then I thought, "so what if I was remembered by the world?"

All that I want now is just for the ones I love to remember me as how I want them to remember me as.
Many had their first impression of me as 'hard to get through to' or 'fierce and scary'.
I am not denying them. This is exactly what I want people to see me as for the first time.
I just want to see who is interested enough to come through these cold walls and talk to me - I do not push people away upon first interaction (usually).
People who genuinely take the effort to find out about me are those who I keep close to my heart and those whom I will protect with my life. I am serious.
So next time if you are wondering why the 'scary' face, it's this.
I like to see it as not having to waste my time with people who are most likely to leave without a care in the world.
What about those who I am keeping in my life?
Well, you are free to leave any time for I am used to that. Just know that you are special to me. Even if we have drifted far apart, I will still be there whenever you need me. You have managed to break through the cold walls I have built, thank you for making me matter. Thank you for being a part of my life, whether you are in my past, present or future. Whoever you are, you matter to me too.

So the next time anyone asks why do I not want to well-known or popular, this is my answer.
I just want to see who I matter to, is that too much to ask for?

xx