Anchored.

I'm a mess, I'm a mess, I'm a mess.

That, was all I could say pretty much for this entire month.

Have you felt like you hit rock bottom?

Of course you have.

But have you felt like you can never get back up, 

no matter how hard you try?

They say to always look at the bright side,

even if you don't seem to see it.

You try your best

to search, and search, and search.

Everything, to no avail.

It is not just another rock bottom.

The bottomest of all bottoms, the lowest of all lows.

You reach the point where you fail to see good anymore,

not even the slightest bit.

The videos that made you giggle,

his smiles that warmed your heart,

the jogs that gave you the zest,

they no longer are the reasons to get out of bed every morning.

I mean it when I say I feel helpless.

I could trust myself, it was all for myself.

('cos who has time to rely on others?)

Whenever I fell, I forced myself to get back up, and I would succeed.

I was not any one-hit wonder or all-rounded who could ace in anything,

I was glad I could just do things on my own, no matter how much I had to try again.

For those doubts that swirl all around me

For the life that tear at the seams

I know

I am not what I've seen

I couldn't help but break down in front of my friends while Nic hugged me. He held me tight.

I felt so, so, so helpless, and I hated it. I couldn't stop.

"Fuck, fuck, FUCK," my thoughts screamed.

As if ruining our night out was not bad enough, I cried again while at the poolside.

Under the night sky, peaceful as ever, I cleared my mind while resting on Nic.

His arms are home. I was safe.

So much angst, rage, and emotions raging through my veins, I could almost feel my eyes turn red.

I pictured myself screaming my lungs out by a lake, but all that came out of my eyes were tears.

Silent tears. Nic continued to hold me. We stayed quiet and allowed my emotions to flow.

My tears stained his shirt. "Sorry," I said softly. He gave me a peck on the cheek.

I wondered how having someone to love who loves you back, makes you weaker than ever.

((Reference to Teenwolf))

No, it's true. It was a risk I had to take, and I was willing to take.

"You just need a fixed point in your life, where you can work things out from.
I will be your fixed point. It's okay to rely on others sometimes. It's okay."

The worst part? I could not figure out what the HELL was wrong with me, or my life.

I just wanted something, anything, to fall into place for once because nothing had been going right.

Also, two major setbacks in a week was too much, given that they were my worst nightmares.

My two greatest nightmares happened, in a week; is life done with me already????

God, if you are there, please stop this. I beg of you.

For all of the times we've stopped

For all of the things I'm not

We put one foot in front of the other

We move like we ain't got no other

We go where we go

We're marchin on

xx

Festivity and Fun

How's Chinese New Year for everyone? :-) 

I spent it alone this year, but still managed to take a trip down to Chinatown with the family for old time's sake. Beautiful place, but I REALLY loathe the crowd.

MY LIFE IS COMPLETE GOODBYE

Chest to chest
Nose to nose
Palm to palm
We were always just that close
- Rihanna, California Kingbed

I kinda like the Vans era.

My family went back to Malaysia for this festive season while I stayed in Singapore for the first time in my life. Well truthfully I thought I would be enjoying myself 100%. Sure it was one of the best weekends ever because of the crazy amount of peace (good lord I almost forgot peace like that still exist) plus construction works outside were off for the holidays too. It was fucking amazing.

However I still want to put forward that I hated spending cny alone. Note that I said "spending CNY". I like living alone a lot, though. Scrolling through my social network feeds was like feeding myself with sorrows willingly. OOTDs and loheis and angpaos and MJ and poker cards... I wanted to stab myself for being so pathetic spending it all alone. Also, much more than the food and fun, I missed the big reunion back in my mum's hometown.

I admit that they weren't my favourite relatives, I couldn't feel more awkward with them around and I don't really have the capacity to socialise with SO MANY people at once (my mum's side has so many relatives I cannnot keep track of how many sorry). I thought I would be better off spending time alone in Singapore studying for my finals. I was pretty much wrong.

A festive season, especially Chinese New Year, is to bring families together, no matter how much politics, quarrels, or distance between them there was before. This is the only time my relatives got to see each other, and I missed it. I promise to never miss another CNY again because no matter how imperfect family is, it is them who will always stay by my side.

----

More pictures from CNY '14.

Be happy :-))
(that's a double chin)

The Little Massive Durian Eater

Also, caught these on the first day of CNY itself. Pardon the qualities! The pictures speak for themselves.

This was taken behind a large audience enjoying a CNY performance in Chinatown.
I think only Singaporean uncles can enjoy a game of chess amidst blaring Hokkien music!

This was just around 3m away from the previous scene.
I think only the homeless or abandoned can fall asleep amidst blaring Hokkien music.
This made me so sad I actually almost wanted to get him a packet of food but I didn't have cash...

------

ANYWAY MY DEAR FANTASTIC READERS or secret stalkers who have been following my blog (thank you, I know you're there), I have something for all of you! Well maybe not from me, more of from Nic..

Nic has been talking about and planning to set up a Let's Play channel to archive his gaming sessions so they won't go to waste. However he never really got to it, until he met me. Nah just kidding although I really think that's the case. He's still new and unsure of what his audience demands or wants, so be sure to check out his channel to give some advice/comments to tell him what games you want him to play!

What's even more exciting is that he had a special guest appearance in his latest video! *DRUM ROLLS*

Yes that's me. What do you mean I am not special?

I am NOT photogenic so pardon my face but I thought we were really funny! Erm I couldn't stop laughing if that helps. Go to his channel HERE alright especially if you're an avid gamer! His current series is Crysis 3, and new vids are out every 2-3 days. Like, favourite, subscribe, and tell me (or him) how are the vids! We accept negative comments too hurhur.

See you in the next one!

xx

Sometimes

Sometimes it rains,
sometimes it shines.

Sometimes it's a good day,
sometimes it's bad.

Sometimes we feel joy,
sometimes we become sad.

Sometimes he looks her in the eye,
sometimes he observes from afar.

Sometimes she wonders about possibilities,
sometimes she affirms herself, why not?

Sometimes we ponder,
sometimes we think.

Sometimes we know,
sometimes we assume.

Sometimes we express feelings,
sometimes we repress them.

Sometimes you are you,
sometimes you don't even know who you are.

Sometimes we say "I love you",
sometimes we never do.

But through it all, we always know what the head and heart wants. We just cannot seem to link them together. Loving someone is not easy, family included. We know what it feels like to want to wring one's neck and hug them at the same time. It's like I hate you but I love you. 

Sometimes, we just need to accept paradoxes because life is one itself. 
We are paradoxes ourselves. 
Sometimes life is complicated - untwine yourself.
Sometimes you are complicated - untwine life.

--

So basically this is me now, guys. You know it. Do that thing that helps me feel better, if you will. Much love.

xx

Growing Up // Growing Old

No prizes for guessing why I looked horribly dressed, messy hair and heavy eyebags today. School is back and I'm still learning how to face mornings without feeling as if I just ran 10km. On a (slightly) better note, I am done with part of my assignments.. great start to 2014! I am game for more sleepless nights, and I will not give up on something I worked hard for. 

Anyway, went down to Nic's campus earlier today and got more work done over Starbucks. So happy to see him! Yes you definitely made my grey, wet, ugh day much better. Thank you for travelling down to Tampines for me (and your game) I love love love love you. 

Hurried to meet part of Aviary after that for Dio's birthday dinner, dear kiddo is finally 18 and I am so proud!!! Please get your driving license soon and learn to be less chorlor please. Got a bit too excited when telling the staff while settling the bill to bring out the cake to surprise her! I just love seeing smiles when people receive something, especially when they are caught by surprise. :-)

Also, what did I do to deserve such great friends? I was there to celebrate Dio's 18th, but received my birthday presents too omg.... I love them. From the little things like remembering my birthday and never failing to try and plan meetups to bigger things like Christmas gatherings at Sab's, always looking out for each other despite our vast differences. I dare say, I owe them my life. Life sucks but it's the people you choose to be around with that make it better!

Dio and I were born in the same year, I only just turned 17 but she's 18 now WTF????//?///? One freakin' whole year to go for me ugh time y u do dis.

xx

Last Post

Of 2013. Ha did I get you there.

I have always wanted to post this at the end of the year; a cliche but appropriate way (I guess?) of thanking all who impacted my life, in one way or another. If I had offended anyone unintentionally, I truly am sorry. Otherwise, if I had offended you intentionally, lol I bloody mean it.

Posted a short montage on Instagram about this entire year right from the start. I know right, I can fit my moments of 2013 in 15 seconds! Perks of having little friends! Kidding, I just don't want too many friends. 

People everywhere are like "2014, please be good" or "2014 will be my year" yada yada yada. I don't even know anymore, so what if the year is good or bad to you? Life still goes on. What I believe in is being a better person every year so 2014 will be my year. Is it wrong to refuse to put studies first but instead, 'living life'? Yes I know there will be people saying "aiya this one confirm everyday go paktor go play then get bad grades" ok lor you good you best you go earn all the money next time and find your happiness ok. 

Truthfully speaking, my biggest mistake in 2013? To not choose JC instead. I could've gotten in SAJC or something. Anything but poly............ dreading every school day isn't working out for me. What I am left with now is to breeze through this 3 years now. SIGHS HEAVILY. SEE I STILL CARE ABOUT ACADEMICS.

T'was a long long loooong year, did many foolish things (not even kidding) which I regret so fucking much, but amazing people made it up for me. I have no idea how 2014 will turn out, but those who stepped into my life, whether or not you exited, I am thankful for however you changed me. Without you, I won't be who I am today. Yes, decisions define a person's future, but it is the people around him/her who influence the decisions. So here I am, melting my heart as cold as ice, thanking people with my heart as warm as Singapore's weather. 

2013 isn't exactly the best year, so here's a short poem to end everything. 12 months, 12 verses.

// Surrender //

January
Recovering from hurt
hurt from the past
It's a new beginning,
once again

February
Are beginnings still beginnings
if they repeat over and over?
She was unsure,
until someone came along

March
Someone with a large bag
A large bag of empty promises
or maybe it's just her
who was empty in the head

April
New people, better life?
That's what she (and everyone else) thought.
But in a small pond,
only the largest fishes survive.

May
The smaller fishes grew weaker
survival became increasingly impossible
She could not keep up anymore
Time, stop!

June
All she wanted was time alone
With good old buddies maybe.
Never would she have thought
a request for a best friend could do so much.

July
Still naive as ever
often forgetting to rebuild walls
every time it was broken down.
Again, left clueless and broken.

August
A best friend, she thought.
I want her, he thought.
Pfft, Fate thought.
Never expect me, Unexpectation thought.

September
Never had she been happier
with this thing called Life
It wasn't all nice
countless times she fell, and stood back up.

November
Several breakdowns and laughter later,
she realised how precious time is.
Her time could be ended now,
or when you are reading this.

December
It's only then she understood
separation and anxiety.
How to treasure,
and let go.

"I will tuck 2013 into bed and wake on 2014 with a strong cup of coffee." 

- Tammin Sursok

xx

141213 // Short Update

So guess who's back. Yup boring old me. Right after holidays start! *happy dance*

Okay short update:
My hair colour is fading so badly, it looks like half my hair and the other half a horse's mane.
I got a new camera!!! Thanks dad. I promised to pay for half of it though.
Spent close to SGD75 on 9 t-shirts online.. it's worth it right???? Just say yes.
Fell sick twice this month boo.
I recently discovered this singer called Foxes (stage name) and I am asking you to listen to her too YES YOU, GO.
Nic and I celebrated our 5th month huehuehue *another happy dance*
New guitar for mah early burrrfday present *FUCK YES*
Lastly, Nic and I did a cover on Tonight You Belong To Me by The Lennon Sisters but I don't have the guts to upload it cos I think we (I mean me) sound horrible.

Also, this space hit 3.1k readership recently and I'm taken back cos I haven't been updating it since... *checks blog* 14 October waaaaooooow. Well there hasn't been much inspiration for me to write during this period mostly due to exams and my tight schedules. Give me till I come back from my overseas trip!

Look at the colour difference and how horrible my hair is now!!!
I just need the funds to re-dye it ok :-(

I don't have a liking for humans but this one is an exception. SIGHHHHHHHHHH.

Okei gaiz till next time, probably 2-3 weeks later after I'm back! 

xx

a hint of sunlight and coziness

what I want
is to just move away
from the hustle and bustle

maybe to Amsterdam
or New Zealand

get a nice apartment
small enough for the both of us
to see each other everyday
but big enough for two to do their thing

with warm and natural light flooding in
through a huge window
light, linen curtains dancing with the wind

our cat lazes 
by the old heater in the bathroom
the dog at the foot of our bed
with fresh, warm sheets out of the dryer

minimal the apartment will be
with the beauty of raw materials
black, grey, white
dull but simple

our apartment will be our escape
from the city
from anything
even ourselves

soft brown wooden floors
brightens up the single storey space
sound systems installed throughout
so music fuels us

a kitchen with cement walls
sits patiently at the back of our home
waiting to serve
with its white furnishings

yes

this is what I want

xx