Why I'm always alone, not to be confused with lonely

1.     Freedom

I get to do whatever I want. Chill out at a posh café, go running, stay out late at night without worrying about others’ curfews, or just stay in with a good book. I don’t get bogged down with “do you think this dress suits me?” or “where/what do you wanna eat?” I can enter a bookstore and walk out with 5 books which I’ll take forever to read and not get judged. I can walk into Zara, inspect every piece of clothing, every linen then walk out empty handed, and still feeling good cos I got to feel them. So what? I’m alone, I can do whatever I want.

2.     Peace

Clearing my mind after weeks of living life (what do mean ‘when life gives you lemons? Life ALWAYS gives you lemons!). I don’t always go running for that, no I’m not fit and yes I should revise my diet plan soon, more than often I sit by a river or at a park. Alone. Being alone is the magical part. I start being more observant, remember things faster and go home feeling lighter. It’s like a productive unproductive 2hr session.

3.     People-watch

I don’t know why, it’s always been my favourite habit since young. By young I meant 6 years old? I watched my parents. I watched my teachers. The bus driver. My friends. That elderly couple at the corner. Anyone. Behaviours get me thinking. Yup, I wanted to study psychology. By the way, people-watching is included in mind clearing sessions too. Everyone is so different, it’s almost funny. Especially when it gets crowded, I see vastly different reactions to the same things. But after all these years of people-watching, there’s only one thing I’d like to say to EVERYONE: loosen up.

4.     Escape from home

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t run away from home and return only nights after just to disobey my parents. I love them, but sometimes all the bullshit just overwhelm me. I have a tolerance limit too okay. I shan’t elaborate on ‘bullshit’, however, time spent alone never fails to improve my mood while giving the people at home time to tone/cool down.

5.     Independence

There, the last yet most important point of all. I don't rely on people because I know I'm mostly of no help when people need me for anything, especially comfort. Exclude tangible, materialistic things. So when people try to comfort me, I'll always thank them nicely and persuade them to stop trying because I know how hard it is to cheer someone up. I admit I'm a real softie inside but tough on the outside. I'm sensitive, especially towards to ones I love. However, I learnt how pointless it is holding on to someone (I'm not even talking about the bf/gf kind) and constantly relying on them because one day, poof, they will leave. Like that. Yup it sure felt fantastic… Frankly speaking I'm currently patiently waiting to see who'll leave soon. I do have friends, plenty, but I never fully rely on anyone because I've learnt to trust myself and none other. Whatever shit happens, I'm responsible. No need for complications and feeling extremely guilty. I don't think this is called anti-social. Nor is it called trust issues. It's called being afraid to depend on anyone, anything. Doesn't mean I'm unhappy too. It's just saving myself from the disappointments of being ditched. Thus I always care to limit my happiness level whenever someone says "I'll be there for you."

xx