Unguarded shield

We spend time and effort to build these shields up, to guard our minds. We think of how much we know about closing doors and chasing empty dreams years after and eventually feel numb. We think nothing can knock us down, until someone who matters come knocking. "Do not enter," was what we would say, but the knocking became louder. Some of us ignored it, some gave in, while others chased that someone away. No matter what, we know how fragile our shields are now. Someone finally has a special place in our minds and hearts, that just a single word or phrase can send our shields all crumbling. We will take what we hear and see and multiply it by ten fold, because what matters to the heart is the key to one's mind. We see our shields fall; our time and effort spent entirely washed away. We thought we could withstand anything. How wrong we were. It was simply a matter of time and place - fate. Put everything where they should be and we see ourselves revisiting our weaknesses we thought we had long banished. Now to decide - to rebuild the shield or let it down? It is a cycle we can never seem to get rid of.
That is how delicate the human mind is. 

Amazing.

xx

Pieces and Shards

your gaze into my eyes
how you asked for me to hold your hand
your assuring embraces
your helpless smiles from my hugs
long night walks
jokes
good music, good vibes
confidence, motivation, contentment
were all that you gave me
calming scents of you
genuine, pure happiness
soft whispers
fixing broken things
your laughter - as soothing as a baby's to a mother
we've got a really mad love
thoughts of you every minute
drowning in helplessness
hopeless romantics
trying to find our ways
through this hell called Life
how
we didn't know
why
only God knows
when
we got it wrong
what
unsure
who
just us against the world
but who would have thought
that world fell apart
Life devoured us
what's left
were pieces and shards
of our emotions and hearts
it hurts
really
picking these debris up
step by step
learning how to fix broken things again
but this time,
with a broken self.

That was the happiest time of my life. Thank you.

xx

Not anymore.

Our eyes met. How we met, though, it was all a blur.

Her silhouette against the only light entering the room through the french windows; it all looked like a scene from a drama. I was fuming mad, burning. She was just ten steps away, yet it seemed like a thousand. "Please," I cried, showing as much sincerity as I could.

We held hands, kissed each others' cheeks randomly, surprised each other and planned dates. Loving each other was not a chore, sex was natural not forced, and each day was significant.

"I can't. I'm sorry. Really." She turned from the window to face me. Those eyes, they weren't sparkling anymore. They showed emptiness, I couldn't find myself in them. I sunk into the armchair; elbows on my knees, my hands rubbed my temples furiously. Why do all good things come to an end?

He brought me to see his parents, I was treated like the princess of the family. What did I do to deserve such great love?

My phone lit up. It was a text from my best friend. "How's it goin?" It read. He knew about it before I did but was too afraid to let me know. He wanted the best for me, I knew. I didn't blame him, but I couldn't help but rage at that moment when I found out. I reached out to my phone and faced it down, refusing to accept the truth that it's all ending.

I fell in love all over again. Not with him, but with my best friend, Jenna. We were too close to be just 'girlfriends'.

All of a sudden, that rush of regret, melancholy, and memories surged through my body, and forced me to get up from my seat. I strode towards her and threw her my supposedly last hug and made sure it lasted long and tight which made her feel secure. 

We held hands, kissed each others' cheeks randomly, surprised each other and planned dates. Loving each other was not a chore, sex was natural not forced, and each day was significant.

Her warmth wasn't the same anymore. 
My heart couldn't stay anymore. 
Our connections weren't there anymore.
Not anymore. 

The hands I held,
the lips I kissed,
the surprises,
the way we touched each other,
everyday since then,
they were not the same anymore. 
Not anymore.



xx