Unguarded shield

We spend time and effort to build these shields up, to guard our minds. We think of how much we know about closing doors and chasing empty dreams years after and eventually feel numb. We think nothing can knock us down, until someone who matters come knocking. "Do not enter," was what we would say, but the knocking became louder. Some of us ignored it, some gave in, while others chased that someone away. No matter what, we know how fragile our shields are now. Someone finally has a special place in our minds and hearts, that just a single word or phrase can send our shields all crumbling. We will take what we hear and see and multiply it by ten fold, because what matters to the heart is the key to one's mind. We see our shields fall; our time and effort spent entirely washed away. We thought we could withstand anything. How wrong we were. It was simply a matter of time and place - fate. Put everything where they should be and we see ourselves revisiting our weaknesses we thought we had long banished. Now to decide - to rebuild the shield or let it down? It is a cycle we can never seem to get rid of.
That is how delicate the human mind is. 

Amazing.

xx

Can she be heard?

She was the best

she was the prettiest

she was the smartest

she had everything they wanted

She seemed to be the best

She seemed to ace in all

she seemed to charm everyone

she seemed perfect. 

She was the largest vessel 

made from the best engineers

and of the highest quality,

all ready to set sail.

Little did anyone know 

her maiden voyage

was not her very first at all

No, nobody could know.

One too many storms

one too many whirlpools

one too many crashes

one too many times she has gone off course.

But the people in this world

were too shallow to realise

that even the largest vessel

is a grain in the world's ocean.

Many a times she stumbled and fell

shattered and broken

but strength regained and renewed,

she recovered and surged on.

Sails torn and tattered

supplies reached a new low;

she kept her flag flying high

mast standing tall and proud.

For these are battle scars,

meant only for the strong.

She was ready for more,

her mind was set.

She will not be invisible

in the sea of regiments and superficiality

She struggles to be heard

even though her voice drowns in that sea.

Efforts wasted no more,

she will start anew

with a facade of confidence,

and tread on fine lines of trust. 

Now, the people will believe her

that she will sail smooth

that she will go far

that she is perfect. 

Beneath the delusions, 

lied a desirous heart.

The last glimmer of hope,

wishing to be accepted. 

-----

Have you ever felt like that vessel? Large, but empty? The best, but still swallowed by the oceans? Crashed, but still surging on? You struggle to be heard in the scene, but nobody listens. Sometimes, you just have to stop and look, not see, at what is around you. Sometimes, being a wallflower may just be the best choice. Because you've already done your best, because only you can understand the efforts you put in, because you deserve more than just being a helpless vessel in the middle of an boundless ocean. Unchain that anchor of your past mistakes, let it go and set sail, tall and proud. Do not be afraid to show off your battle scars - they tell the people you survived the war. Go forth and do not look back, for it will only be worthwhile with an unknown future. 

xx

Not anymore.

Our eyes met. How we met, though, it was all a blur.

Her silhouette against the only light entering the room through the french windows; it all looked like a scene from a drama. I was fuming mad, burning. She was just ten steps away, yet it seemed like a thousand. "Please," I cried, showing as much sincerity as I could.

We held hands, kissed each others' cheeks randomly, surprised each other and planned dates. Loving each other was not a chore, sex was natural not forced, and each day was significant.

"I can't. I'm sorry. Really." She turned from the window to face me. Those eyes, they weren't sparkling anymore. They showed emptiness, I couldn't find myself in them. I sunk into the armchair; elbows on my knees, my hands rubbed my temples furiously. Why do all good things come to an end?

He brought me to see his parents, I was treated like the princess of the family. What did I do to deserve such great love?

My phone lit up. It was a text from my best friend. "How's it goin?" It read. He knew about it before I did but was too afraid to let me know. He wanted the best for me, I knew. I didn't blame him, but I couldn't help but rage at that moment when I found out. I reached out to my phone and faced it down, refusing to accept the truth that it's all ending.

I fell in love all over again. Not with him, but with my best friend, Jenna. We were too close to be just 'girlfriends'.

All of a sudden, that rush of regret, melancholy, and memories surged through my body, and forced me to get up from my seat. I strode towards her and threw her my supposedly last hug and made sure it lasted long and tight which made her feel secure. 

We held hands, kissed each others' cheeks randomly, surprised each other and planned dates. Loving each other was not a chore, sex was natural not forced, and each day was significant.

Her warmth wasn't the same anymore. 
My heart couldn't stay anymore. 
Our connections weren't there anymore.
Not anymore. 

The hands I held,
the lips I kissed,
the surprises,
the way we touched each other,
everyday since then,
they were not the same anymore. 
Not anymore.



xx