Unguarded shield

We spend time and effort to build these shields up, to guard our minds. We think of how much we know about closing doors and chasing empty dreams years after and eventually feel numb. We think nothing can knock us down, until someone who matters come knocking. "Do not enter," was what we would say, but the knocking became louder. Some of us ignored it, some gave in, while others chased that someone away. No matter what, we know how fragile our shields are now. Someone finally has a special place in our minds and hearts, that just a single word or phrase can send our shields all crumbling. We will take what we hear and see and multiply it by ten fold, because what matters to the heart is the key to one's mind. We see our shields fall; our time and effort spent entirely washed away. We thought we could withstand anything. How wrong we were. It was simply a matter of time and place - fate. Put everything where they should be and we see ourselves revisiting our weaknesses we thought we had long banished. Now to decide - to rebuild the shield or let it down? It is a cycle we can never seem to get rid of.
That is how delicate the human mind is. 

Amazing.

xx

Do you understand her now?

As happy as a lark, with vibrant hues of joy that spread effortlessly, her energy never seemed to cease! Of course she was loved for her optimism, why, the cup was always half full (and drinkable). Although an introvert, she took pride in giving and putting others before herself. Such beauty, yet why did she have second thoughts of being happy herself? Try as hard as you might, but can you fully understand her? 

As she bade her friends goodbye, her heart sank, just like how the captain was reluctant to release the anchor to end the maiden journey. She stood outside the door and hesitated for a moment before fumbling around her trusty leather bag for her keys. A sigh was usually what she used to greet the house first thing every time she got home. This time was no exception. It was just a matter of how many steps it took her before the struggle starts. The struggle to remain calm, peaceful at heart and retreat in silence. Do you understand her? I doubt so. 

The countless times the words "hopeless" and "useless" were thrown at her coupled with rage inducing screams almost daily were more than enough to drive her up the wall. Nobody would listen, while she struggled to keep her head. Do you understand her now?

It was a live or die game. She was strong and desired attention. However, "attention-seeker" was absolutely not what she wanted to be labelled as. She needed to prove herself. Every little thing she did was a tussle - any trouble caused would mean being a burden. Now, a girl yearning to be independent would not want that, would she? Like any other teenager, she wanted someone to care for her. It is a nice feeling to be thought of, isn't it? However, they thought she was damn fine on her own. Damn right they were, because she will only learn how to be more strong-willed and quick-witted. Do you fully understand her longings now? You should be.

--

I know my posts have been infrequent and maybe even boring. They have been sad and quite emotional, but please understand that I will only post what I have put effort in and what I have poured out a great deal of my own emotions in. This is because I realised works that are not inspired by events or people that trigger my emotions often come out as crap and are always deleted. Thus, if there are no posts for quite some time... you can try stirring my inner self up a bit or give me something to think about through twitter/ask.fm! Also, all my posts are 100% inspired from my experiences so I really appreciate it most if you take time to relate to them or try and understand why I do the things I do. Looking forward to posting more for you readers. Till then, be nice to everyone :-)

--

xx

Can she be heard?

She was the best

she was the prettiest

she was the smartest

she had everything they wanted

She seemed to be the best

She seemed to ace in all

she seemed to charm everyone

she seemed perfect. 

She was the largest vessel 

made from the best engineers

and of the highest quality,

all ready to set sail.

Little did anyone know 

her maiden voyage

was not her very first at all

No, nobody could know.

One too many storms

one too many whirlpools

one too many crashes

one too many times she has gone off course.

But the people in this world

were too shallow to realise

that even the largest vessel

is a grain in the world's ocean.

Many a times she stumbled and fell

shattered and broken

but strength regained and renewed,

she recovered and surged on.

Sails torn and tattered

supplies reached a new low;

she kept her flag flying high

mast standing tall and proud.

For these are battle scars,

meant only for the strong.

She was ready for more,

her mind was set.

She will not be invisible

in the sea of regiments and superficiality

She struggles to be heard

even though her voice drowns in that sea.

Efforts wasted no more,

she will start anew

with a facade of confidence,

and tread on fine lines of trust. 

Now, the people will believe her

that she will sail smooth

that she will go far

that she is perfect. 

Beneath the delusions, 

lied a desirous heart.

The last glimmer of hope,

wishing to be accepted. 

-----

Have you ever felt like that vessel? Large, but empty? The best, but still swallowed by the oceans? Crashed, but still surging on? You struggle to be heard in the scene, but nobody listens. Sometimes, you just have to stop and look, not see, at what is around you. Sometimes, being a wallflower may just be the best choice. Because you've already done your best, because only you can understand the efforts you put in, because you deserve more than just being a helpless vessel in the middle of an boundless ocean. Unchain that anchor of your past mistakes, let it go and set sail, tall and proud. Do not be afraid to show off your battle scars - they tell the people you survived the war. Go forth and do not look back, for it will only be worthwhile with an unknown future. 

xx

What makes life good?

You gotta admit, life isn't a bed of roses. I was in the shower the other day when my thoughts brought me back to my childhood days, then to my future where my life was totally in my hands. Then I started questioning myself, were all that I did worth it? Were the pushing through and endurance, all worth my blood, sweat and tears? What made it worthwhile? What made my life bearable? 

Just a quick background story about myself before we continue... 

I was always one of the more mature ones in school ever since young, and I couldn't really get along well with the other 'cool' kids because I LOVED reading. That, and water-play times in kindergarten. I didn't like times at the playground as that meant social interaction. I can't do the talk/introduce myself/sound interesting thing. I AM a boring person. I started thinking about life and my future at a young age, around 9-10, which made me an even more boring person. Ha. 

Then came this period of time where I tried to be cool and all but found out it isn't really my thing... and my best friends started leaving me because they found someone 'better'. In addition, my relationships were crap because serious matters cropped up along the way (not the ridiculous "I lost my feelings for you" shit) which chained my morale down by so much, people could tell I had a rough night the next day. I cared a lot, last time. Of course, I was too nice to hold onto any grudges or throw insults at anyone 'cept when I'm with my best friend (who is still my best friend). I guess people just took advantage of it... or they took me for granted or I just don't deserve them? 

I grew kinda depressed for a short few weeks until I decided to pull myself together ('cos if I didn't, who would?) and grew to be super independent. I refused to rely on anyone except myself, which explains my moulded character today. I am proud to say I have been through tough times and I have grown stronger, wiser, more mature, and I am ready for more of what life has in store for me. 

Back to the topic now, what makes life good? I couldn't see it during those shitty times, but looking back now, I was a helluva blessed and if not, lucky girl. 

I had friends who accepted me for who I am. My parents supported me in whatever I did. I swear, they're the most uncool parents ever, but they're the best. My dad? He's played such a huge role in my childhood but I've failed to realise this till this year. I am the worst daughter, I swear. He's probably the only person I know who can live without anything but a home, food and water. And his daily cup of coffee. I ain't daddy's girl, he knows how independent I am, mentally and physically, thus I get lots of freedom compared to my friends. I've never had curfews! My parents trust me, I have a brother who knows what I like/want/do, idk man I just think I don't deserve all these. 

I could've been happier. Should have, could have. 

And then came Nic oh my god I swear I have never opened up so much to someone before like nobody's ever seen me this retarded/happy before. I have terrible sweaty palms. And eczema. I can't take too much seafood. I perspire a lot. I don't look good in pictures. I can't speak up well. I am the worst entertainer. I don't have a nice body. All these, and someone is still willing to take me for who I am. I still can't believe it till now, really. The best is when you get to live life with the ones you love, the ones who love you back and do what you love. 

My old man always told me to live simple, never complicate things and always be aware of situations. How I've always put that advice aside, I don't even know how or why, but I'm slapping my 10 year old self in my mind now. Only now do I realise, how fucking real the world is and that amongst this gargantuan universe full of endless possibilities, all we need is as little as possible in order to live life to its fullest. Less, is more. 

Grow up, get married, find a job, pay bills, buy a home, clear taxes, have children, retire, die. How dull...  Can you imagine if people aren't afraid to do what they love and just do whatever the fuck they want? It'd be too awesome! I always wanted someone to share the fun with. I mean fun isn't fun if you're not fun because fun isn't fun if there is no fun. Never mind if you didn't get that, just know that life is much better stripped down and simple, loosen up and do what you want before you start to regret afterwards. 

xx

p/s: I'm sorry I can't post as frequently as I thought I could, exams and school and the bullcrap y'knw. I have no choice and I. am. exhausted... but I promise new poems/short stories/something you suggest maybe? when the holidays are here!!

Pieces and Shards

your gaze into my eyes
how you asked for me to hold your hand
your assuring embraces
your helpless smiles from my hugs
long night walks
jokes
good music, good vibes
confidence, motivation, contentment
were all that you gave me
calming scents of you
genuine, pure happiness
soft whispers
fixing broken things
your laughter - as soothing as a baby's to a mother
we've got a really mad love
thoughts of you every minute
drowning in helplessness
hopeless romantics
trying to find our ways
through this hell called Life
how
we didn't know
why
only God knows
when
we got it wrong
what
unsure
who
just us against the world
but who would have thought
that world fell apart
Life devoured us
what's left
were pieces and shards
of our emotions and hearts
it hurts
really
picking these debris up
step by step
learning how to fix broken things again
but this time,
with a broken self.

That was the happiest time of my life. Thank you.

xx

Not anymore.

Our eyes met. How we met, though, it was all a blur.

Her silhouette against the only light entering the room through the french windows; it all looked like a scene from a drama. I was fuming mad, burning. She was just ten steps away, yet it seemed like a thousand. "Please," I cried, showing as much sincerity as I could.

We held hands, kissed each others' cheeks randomly, surprised each other and planned dates. Loving each other was not a chore, sex was natural not forced, and each day was significant.

"I can't. I'm sorry. Really." She turned from the window to face me. Those eyes, they weren't sparkling anymore. They showed emptiness, I couldn't find myself in them. I sunk into the armchair; elbows on my knees, my hands rubbed my temples furiously. Why do all good things come to an end?

He brought me to see his parents, I was treated like the princess of the family. What did I do to deserve such great love?

My phone lit up. It was a text from my best friend. "How's it goin?" It read. He knew about it before I did but was too afraid to let me know. He wanted the best for me, I knew. I didn't blame him, but I couldn't help but rage at that moment when I found out. I reached out to my phone and faced it down, refusing to accept the truth that it's all ending.

I fell in love all over again. Not with him, but with my best friend, Jenna. We were too close to be just 'girlfriends'.

All of a sudden, that rush of regret, melancholy, and memories surged through my body, and forced me to get up from my seat. I strode towards her and threw her my supposedly last hug and made sure it lasted long and tight which made her feel secure. 

We held hands, kissed each others' cheeks randomly, surprised each other and planned dates. Loving each other was not a chore, sex was natural not forced, and each day was significant.

Her warmth wasn't the same anymore. 
My heart couldn't stay anymore. 
Our connections weren't there anymore.
Not anymore. 

The hands I held,
the lips I kissed,
the surprises,
the way we touched each other,
everyday since then,
they were not the same anymore. 
Not anymore.



xx

Maturity

Greeeeetings!

First things first, the creation of this blog was to voice my thoughts from my routines in my daily boring life and occasionally, updates about it.

So I've been wanting to say something about this topic for quite some time now, hence I foresee a long post eh.

Maturity, as majority sees it, is when a boy starts cracking his voice, experiences crazy hormone changes; it's when a girl starts to feel awkward amongst boys.... You know, the usual things we all went through. These are just physical changes. As much as it seems, they're "mandatory". This is just the process the race of Humanity knows so well - growing up. What is maturity, then?

Maturity is the acceptance of responsibility and is gained through experiences. A 40 year old man may be gambling away his life savings, neglecting his family while an 11 year old boy may be studying hard while doing odd jobs part time lightening his widowed mum's burden. Maturity doesn't come with age, it comes when it comes. Something may have happened overnight, someone may have had a serious talk with you, you gained some kind of enlightenment and finally pledge to live your life to the fullest. Whatever it is, when it comes, you know that this body you're blessed with is very capable of impacting people's lives. I'm not asking you to be the next Mother Theresa and change the world, but it's not gonna kill to maybe just make a difference in at least one person's life.

Tell your best friend you love him/her, run errands for your family, learn a new language, get out of the house and walk around aimlessly (explore!!), work out. Take note of little details like who're your neighbours, who always cares for you, how many seconds does it take to fill your cup full of water. Think. Don't ever hesitate to use your brain cos that's one thing many always forget how important it is. The less rusty your brain is, the more interesting your 'boring' life will be.

When you finally step up and accept the cold hard truth, give and take, forgive and really really forget, live life to its fullest, aim to be a better person everyday, that's maturity. It is easy for me to say, hard for me to do but I admit I'm trying. Go me! Hurhur.

On a less serious note, was surprised with a trip to SEA Aquarium at Sentosa tomorrow!! Hehe über excited, gonna spam lotsa pictures :)

xx

Here's a weirdly adorable picture before I see y'all again in the next post, seeya!